


Breath

by KouRei (ShinkengerRedBlue)



Series: Love and Redemption [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Neglect, Past Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 15:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17869703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinkengerRedBlue/pseuds/KouRei
Summary: Chanwoo thinks about how the members of iKON make him feel like he doesn’t fit in.





	Breath

**Author's Note:**

> I love fics that had a member suffering from neglect and the members eventually realizing how stupid they are. This is only half of that but I might expand on it. I just started loving iKON and Chanwoo is steadily becoming my favorite. I've made a website to house all my fics as an easier way of reading. [Here](https://lovelystorytime.wordpress.com/) and I'll be updating there before I post on here or Asianfanfics.
> 
> Enjoy the story!

If Chanwoo was honest, yes there were times where he felt like he didn't fit in. How could he not when he was the last one to join Team B, the future iKON. He had to adapt to six other men and how they interacted with each other. It was hard of course but he wanted to become a singer, to show he could be more than just a child actor. But sometimes it felt like the other members sincerely wanted him out of the loop when it came to some things, even when Chanwoo already knew what they were. It was never hard to figure things out in the dorms, not when it was easy to read the members, even Hanbin who was one of the hard ones from the beginning. 

It wasn't hard to figure out all the members slept with each other, partly because they loved each other so much and partly due to the stupid dating ban on the group. It wasn't hard to figure out that Hanbin sometimes didn't have all his members in mind when writing a song. That was hard to swallow at first but Chanwoo got over it, he had to. A fake smile on his face whenever hosts talked about it did the trick to calm everyone down. 

There were so many things that he didn't know or understand and eventually it came to a point where he stopped caring. And the worst part was-that nobody really noticed. Sure Jiwon hyung or Donghyuk would come up to him, both very in tune with their feelings, and ask him if anything was wrong. But it had honestly gotten to a point where Chanwoo felt like talking about it wouldn't change anything at all. 

So he sent them away with a small grin and laughter, their concern slightly warming his heart. It was not enough however to force Chanwoo to feel like he was part of the group. If the fans heard his thoughts, knowing how emotionless he was, they would have a field day. He could see the news, how bad this would reflect on the company that iKON, a band that promotes a close relationship, was silently ignoring their maknae. He could see his members now: Jinhwannie hyung would bawl his eyes out, wondering where it all went wrong. Yunhyeong and Donghyuk would pester him with questions while Junhoe made rude yet brutally honest comments on the side. Hanbin would watch him, Jiwon hyung by his side. 

He could feel the guilt, the sadness, the anger from not telling his hyungs that he was being neglected. But at the same time, why should he? They should look out for him, help him when it's obvious that he needs so much help. Why does he need to spend three extra hours learn choreography when Donghyuk was the best at picking it up and had the ability to pin point what he was doing wrong? Why couldn't Hanbin and Jinhwan help him with his vocals instead of cutting his lines down to one. 

How is he to blame when Hanbin makes an inside joke or when he sees a picture from before his time with them and doesn't feel nostalgic like they do? Why did his heart stop hurting after the thirtieth time, when Jiwon mentioned how well the team worked during WIN? It was almost enough from him to quit, maybe go back to acting. His members didn't know how many acting jobs he was forced to turn down, the higher ups in YG telling him that he had to focus on iKON. There was no other option for him if they didn't succeed as a group. 

He was trapped unless he just wanted to go home and never came back. It almost drove him to cutting. And he almost did, at the very beginning. It was when the boys ignored him (more than they did now), when they hadn't wanted him, just their team of six. Chanwoo had no sleep, barely any food, and he almost had no lines to sing. It was like he was just there to look pretty which he ok looking. The only thing that had stopped from quitting was one fan. One lonely, lovely fan who had thin lines all over her arm, hidden from sight. She had seen the look in his eyes and held his hand, telling him something that would be his driving force for months to come. 

“It will never be enough. The hole inside you will get bigger and bigger and to feed it, would take more than you really want to give. I never found true happiness but I found enough to live and that's enough for me. The big picture won't come for us so we have to find it on our own.” 

She knew he was close to harming himself, she had seen the desperation in his eyes. And she told him exactly what gave him the motivation to live day by day. It made it easier to ignore his hyungs when they excluded him, which was thirty percent of the time. It made it easier to push past the thoughts of digging into himself with a razor, just to see if he could feel something. He felt like he could finally breath for once.


End file.
